Hey look at you! Ya made it to the 1st day of the rest of your LIFE! Armed with some really effective communication tools that I believe will Be The Change you’re looking for, to Make That Change, when it comes to the skill of conflict resolution!
“If we work hard on our Job we’ll make a living. If we work hard on ourselves we’ll make a FORTUNE” ~Jim Rohn
Congratulations on making it to Day 4 of ‘Make That Change in 4 Days: The e (is for Empathy) Course’!
On Day 1 (http://wp.me/p5dLI9-3) we found out how to make clear & objective observations! On Day 2 (http://wp.me/p5dLIv-o) we discovered the difference between natural feelings and thoughts masquerading as feelings. And yesterday (http://wp.me/P5dLIL-C) we talked about the mother lode of connection (our values aka needs ~ “The present manifestation of the divine energy within”)
I was watching an episode of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ one day, and the story-line was focused on something they called “Active Listening”, where you mirror back the words the other person says and deliver them in question form (eg “So you really dislike it when you’re being disrespected?” “So it’s really hard for you when you feel like you’re not being listened to?”)! Now if you’re chuckling while enjoying your new found wisdom, imagine the FUN I was having SILENTLY EMPATHIZING with everyone on screen? It’s awesome to reflect back what you’re hearing (for both the other person & for yourself), but “An eye for an eye creates a blind world” ~Mohandas Gandhi. Mirroring back toxicity just sends it back into the world in a slightly commiserative way! The beauty of EMPATHIC COMMUNICATION is evident in ALL 4 parts! The magic, however, is in parts 3 & 4 (needs & requests)!
Smile for 44 seconds 😉
…put the kind of look you’d have on your face, and breathe the way you would, if you felt totally happy!
Part 4: The REQUEST
If the first 3 parts of the ‘Language of non-violence’ ask the Q “What’s ALIVE in us?”, then part 4 (The request) asks the Q “What would make LIFE MORE WONDERFUL for us (& others)?”. If we’re bummed cuz our need for respect isn’t being met by what someone says, what would we like to have happen differently that would improve the situation (& make our lives more wonderful)? That’s the request, and the AWESOME thing is it comes in at least 5 flavors (Feelings request, Accuracy request, Willingness request, Prediction request and Reflection request)
But 1st, it’s MAKE THAT CHANGE song time:
♪Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a DREAM♪
All right, back to the 5 flavors (of Requests):
(1) Feelings request: “How do you feel when you hear me say that?”
(2) Accuracy request: “Is what I’m saying accurate for you?”
(3) Willingness request: “Would you be willing to…(choose a different way of encouraging me)?”
(4) Prediction request: “What do you predict needs to happen…(in order for us to leave the house in 20 minutes)?”
*Actually let’s pause on #4 and talk about a situation I had with one of my softball teammates: So we’re in the outfield (in the middle of our ‘Tony Danza Softball’ game) and one of the other outfielders asks me about how to get his partner to leave on time (Hey that fits into our ongoing example)! So I asked what his current strategy was and he said “Well, I tell her when we need to leave, and then when it’s that time I get so pissed that I yell up the stairs “LET’S GO! YOU’RE ALWAYS LATE” (Did I mention the philosophy of “Empathy before honesty, and honesty before education”)? So I empathized with his frustration for a couple of innings, and then we got to the juicy stuff, where I said “Try this next time you’re in that situation! Do what you did, letting her know when you’d like to leave (deleting ‘have to & should’, and uploading ‘choose to, because I want’), and then 20-30 minutes before that time, walk up the stairs, channel your best John Gray @MarsVenus, and touch her on the back saying ‘What do you predict needs to happen, for us to leave in the next 20 to 30 minutes’?”!
Where were we on the 5 flavors? No, I’m just kidding, the next time I saw my teammate he came up to me, gave me a hug, and said “this is from the both of us! I tried your advice and not only did she appreciate the SMALL STEPS, she actually came down 5 minutes early as a gift to me, and when we got home, well you know…?” 😉 So, does that example illustrate the power of the request? Now, onto #5.
(5) Reflection request: “Would you tell me what you heard (or reflect back to me what you heard me say)?”
MAKE THAT CHANGE bonus: When someone reflects back to you what they heard you say, and it’s not accurate (in your perception), try this MAKE THAT CHANGE suggestion: “Thank You for telling me what you heard me say, I’d like you to hear it differently” (I mean, they did tell you what they heard, right?)
ANSWERING SHAKESPEARE’S Q “To be or not to be, that is the Q. The universe calls me SiMBa, and here’s my suggestion! If not to be is be to, and be to is are you?, instead of saying ‘You’re frustrated I get it’, say ‘Are you feeling frustrated’, and then let it go to that space where mystics like to think. Where if you think about thirst it leads to a drink! So when your connecting & offering empathy, I invite you to come from a place of giving, and remember NOT TO BE”
So in the situation you came up with (someone who’s behaving in a way you don’t like, how that leaves you feeling and what needs of yours aren’t being met), what would you like this person to do differently that would make LiFE MORE WONDERFUL for you (What’s your request)?
…in our running example it might go something like this “When you show up after the agreed time, it leaves me feeling frustrated, because it doesn’t meet my needs for courtesy & respect. Would you be willing to call or text in the future letting me know what’s going on? (Double request) When you hear me say that, how does that leave you feeling?”
So as we wrap up the ‘4 Days of Making That Change’ (Did you enjoy yourself? Were these tools of value to you?) I wanna do two things: (1) I wanna give you one more gift & (2) I wanna use that gift as a vehicle to say thank you for being the change you wish to see/be in the world…here goes: In the language of empathy there’s something called the ‘Circle Of Love’ where we receive gratitude with the same energy that we give gratitude!
Giving a gratitude:
(1) Say what the person did (Your good at this now, it’s aka the observation)
(2) Say how what they did left you Feeling!
& (3) Say the values (needs) of yours that were honored by what the person did.
*So giving a gratitude uses the first 3 PARTS, and receiving a gratitude looks like this:
“I appreciate you saying that. I’m happy I could help”. “I’m Excited something I did created a little Joy for you”. “I receive your gifts with the beauty that they were given”. “I’m thrilled something I did met your needs for mutuality & co-creation” (Short version “Glad I could contribute”)
So there you have it, ‘Make That Change in 4 Days: The e (is for Empathy) course’! When I imagine you getting to this point it leaves me feeling SO GRATEFUL, as your gifts of Consideration, Respect, Follow-Through, Cooperation, Trust, Contribution, Growth and Love, have been overwhelmingly wonderful for me! Chi of cove, thank you! 😉
Okay, one more MAKE THAT CHANGE bonus: When someone meets your needs (like the guy who held the door for me today for 20 seconds), a quick way to honor them empathically, is to figure out what the met need is, and then put a “Thanks for the…” in front of it! So if it’s COURTESY “Thanks for the courtesy bro” (The bro part is optional). If it’s CONSIDERATION “Thanks for the consideration” (you get it, right?)…if you enjoyed this Playshop (Click here for your playsheet), feel free to share in any way that moves your spirit (this post includes the links for all the days, have FUN). And if you want the LIVE version, I get even more juiced as a transformational speaker (Bring SiMBa to your next event)! Emaste’
Gratitude Time: Thank you Mom (RIP), Thank you Dad (Did you ever know that you’re my hero?), Thank you @FitnessByOsa (You’re the best friend & #FitnessLifestyleCoach a person could ask for), & thank you @DyanDiamond (this playshop was a direct result and extension of your ‘Love You: How To Live In Love’ philosophy)
As we put our time together on pause my hope is, the next time you hear a conversation about empathy (hearing feelings & seeing needs), you smile & think to yourself “I know what empathy is”, remembering empathy before honesty, honesty before education, and to use the CAGE LOCK to get out of the cage (meaning, use Compassion, Abundance, Gratitude, Empathy and the Language Of Connected Kindness to deal with any situation you find yourself in)…
…”Cuz the way I see it life’s a celebration, especially when we observe without evaluation. And if you’re wondering how I feel, I’m grateful for your time may your journey be surreal”…if YOU feel inspired, I invite you to ‘Come Along’ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApKzMMBrRh0) …remember to activate your BIG WHY, and the next time you look in the MIRROR say to yourself “I will Be The Change, and I will Make That Change, because I AM The Change” 😉
SiMBa says OUT! 🙂